Turkey Releases Recordings of Wu-Tang Clan, Adele Warning Downed Russian Warplane

My latest for Dada News Daily:

Dada News Daily

ANKARA — The Turkish military today released sound recordings that are said to be clear and repeated warnings to the crew of the Russian plane that violated Turkish airspace this week, which they say are approaching number two on the Billboard charts in November. On the recordings, voices can be heard repeatedly saying “change your heading,” “hello?” and “watch your step.”

Officials stated that these recordings challenge and disprove Russian assertions that their air crew received no warnings. In addition to the voice of an unidentified Turkish Airman, the unmistakable voices of British singer Adele and American hip-hop group Wu-Tang Clan are heard issuing warnings. The recording is shattering sales records.

“There’s alone of the union, needful diversions,” croons Adele in the compulsory broken English customary to international military warnings.

“This is on the charts with 522,000 first-week sales — and the plane represents another 662,000 (£36,000) thrown in,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip…

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GOP Candidates, Obama Call for Surveillance in Wake of Increased Fertility through Parasitic Worms

Here is my report for Dada News Daily

Dada News Daily

WASHINGTON — Republican candidate Donald Trump’s liberties experts announced today that the world will be safer now that he is able to control the growth of human populations by manipulating female fertility through the use of parasitic worms after one species of roundworms was shown to increase fertility. The experts further stated that all copies of the United States Constitution have been updated to reflect this innovation.

Researchers added that Trump is “thrilled to put his entrepreneurial gonads to work solving the greatest problem facing the planet today, while at the same time expanding the market for his roundworm and hookworm breeding farms.”

When asked about the health risks associated with infections of parasitic worms, such as attacks of fever, diarrhea, anemia and suicide bombings, researchers responded that Trump had balanced these risks against the substantial benefits and that he continues to exhort American immune systems to “pull up their bootstraps and get…

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